After going through the True Love Waits program, somehow I inadvertently developed many wayward ideals about marriage and sex. Remember when we used to sings songs like "I Promise" by Jaci Velasquez?
"So I promise to be true to you/To live my life in purity/As unto you/Waiting for the day/When I hear you say/Here is the one I have created/Just for you"
As if God would create the "perfect man" fitting our every idealistic physical and spiritual desire, and float him down on a marshmallow cloud. STUPID.
Talking about sex in TLW wasn't much better. Sex before marriage was to be impure, filthy, disgusting, sinful, and not pleasing to God (which it is) and sex after marriage with your spouse was awesome, beautiful, fulfilling and meaningful. But as a pre-teen who can't pay attention for more than two seconds, we only really heard the "sex before marriage part" and frankly, that was really the only point emphasized. The goodness of sex after marriage was just a footnote, a tack on. They wanted to make sure to drill the first part in our heads so we wouldn't become. another bad statistic. The image of sex in my mind had become one of an animalistic, sinful, shameful desire. In other words, sex was BAD BAD BAD.
BUT after many more encounters with this topic both in high school and college I've developed a much more comprehensive viewpoint.
***THE FOLLOWING CONTENT MAY BE EXPLICIT, PLEASE TURN AWAY YOUNG CHILDREN AND THOSE WHO ARE SENSITIVE TO THIS SORT OF THING***
Marriage is NOT a walk in the park. Love is a hard thing which is why they never portray true love on TV shows and movies. It's boring, difficult and once in a rare while, absolutely fantastic. We always want to be immersed in the fantasy of Prince Charming, the one who will whisk us away to adventurous places and save us from every difficult situation we ever encounter. That's why most Korean dramas always end with one partner tragically dying--you only have to passionately love him/her for a few weeks before he/she is dead. There is no pain, no compromise, no day-to-day struggle and no seeing your well-toned prince turn into a flabby balding old man and still manage to love him as you did on day one. I always had this weird concept that once the ring was on the finger we would magically "become one" that he would know my every thought, pain and joy. It doesn't work that way. You're still two separate beings who need to communicate your joys and frustrations to each other, it doesn't stop at marriage. Marriage is propelled by alot more work than fuzzy love feelings. You can't get through 30-40 years of it without making a serious to commitment to love your spouse no matter what. It's kind of like being a Christian except the person on the other side is human too. Many times this love is shown through the simple things, washing the dishes, compromising, and picking up the darn guy's smelly socks every night. And I think we become better Christians as we learn to commit and love our spouses.
S-E-X
Realistically, who would you feel completely comfortable being naked around? I don't know about you but there are VERY few people I would be okay naked in front of and only with some major awkwardness/embarrassment mixed in the bunch. Part of why divorce is so painful is because you've literally showed your spouse everything you have. You made yourself completely vulnerable to them and they rejected you. I can only imagine that it would be one SEARINGLY painful moment. With everyone else you can scream the "YOU DON'T KNOW ME" line but to your spouse? They KNOW you, they have touched you so intimately so when divorce comes it is not a rejection of your outer shell (the charade you play in front of everyone and can easily change in an instant). No, your very SELF is being rejected. But you risk it because true love is worth being completely vulnerable (or so I've deduced).
I read somewhere once that Jessica Alba said she didn't think extramartial sex was such a big deal and sex itself wasn't a big deal at all. For someone to truly believe in that statement is to confirm that sex has simply become an emotionless, meaningless act of satisfying a pure animalistic urge and is devoid of everything good God meant it to be.
Point TWO, sex is extremely awkward and painful (for the girl) the first time around. This comes from somewhat detailed accounts from my pastor in Boston and my Intervarsity staff leader telling their own stories on this topic. Before their talks I always thought the first time was going to be the standard for the rest of our marriage, and it'd BETTER be freakin' awesome. I thought sex was the overarching secret to marriage otherwise why wouldn't we just be friends? Good news is, sex is some good stuff and like wine it gets better with age and practice (or so I've been told). Don't be sad when your first time isn't as you pictured it to be, you didn't exactly look cool the first time you went ice skating either.
In the movies, they always show people who somehow get snapped into this hypnotic sex trance, condition/location are perfect and the two people basically lunge at each other in some fast paced love making. Let's zip back to real life. When you get married you'll have a full time job and probably a few kids/rugrats. At the end of the day, you're going to be dead tired with stress from work and cleaning up the kids. In other words, you're probably not going to be in the mood for sex. But what if your spouse wants to? This is where I was surprised, real life invades sex too! Both of you won't always want sex at the exact same time and sometimes you've got to satisfy your husband/wife even when you don't feel like it b/c you are honoring God by submitting to your husband/wife. Isn't that crazy?? Having sex to honor God? Yuparoo.
Since I go to Jesuit school there are these science publications written by Catholic scholars that are published and given out to the student body for free. This one article about the female orgasm caught my eye b/c it had a picture of the "Ectasy of St. Teresa" by Bernini which I didn't realize was really her having an orgasm since I had already studied this piece in history class. (Olden time people make some crazy statues!) The non-emotional side of love pervades sex too! I always thought of sex to be a sensuous act of passion but it requires the disciplined commitment part of love also. Although there is still much more to say about the subject and I'm not totally finished learning, I'll leave you with this great excerpt from the book,
"According to Keenan, fidelity in a sexual relationship deepens the bond between partners grow. However, it seems that if only one person is experiencing ecstasy, both parties are not completely open to one another, and the growth in the relationship is uneven. Pellauer describes the experience of increased vulnerability as a result of moments of ecstasy shared with her husband. For Pellauer, being excited to the point of orgasm by her significant other led her to loving him in ways she had not perceived before. The fact that he persisted in arousing her even though she was not easily stimulated, refusing his own release until she climaxed as well in mutual experience, touched her as an intimate act of selflessness. She was deeply moved as she did not expect him to put her own pleasure before his own. Pellauer writes, 'I experience [orgasm] as grace, an instance of his vulnerability to me reaching out to meet my vulnerability to him'."
--"Mutuality and Pleasure: A Discussion of the Female Orgasm in Contemporary Catholic Sexual Ethics"
by Celso Javier Perez,
Fall 2007 ELEMENTS Undergraduate Research Journal
Bottom line: Marriage and/or Sex is not the happily ever after. In each aspect we have to work hard to maintain a good balanced relationship but with every joy and every difficulty we experience the deepest sort of grace and mercy and, in this, we see a small glimpse of heaven. God is good.
S-E-X
Realistically, who would you feel completely comfortable being naked around? I don't know about you but there are VERY few people I would be okay naked in front of and only with some major awkwardness/embarrassment mixed in the bunch. Part of why divorce is so painful is because you've literally showed your spouse everything you have. You made yourself completely vulnerable to them and they rejected you. I can only imagine that it would be one SEARINGLY painful moment. With everyone else you can scream the "YOU DON'T KNOW ME" line but to your spouse? They KNOW you, they have touched you so intimately so when divorce comes it is not a rejection of your outer shell (the charade you play in front of everyone and can easily change in an instant). No, your very SELF is being rejected. But you risk it because true love is worth being completely vulnerable (or so I've deduced).
I read somewhere once that Jessica Alba said she didn't think extramartial sex was such a big deal and sex itself wasn't a big deal at all. For someone to truly believe in that statement is to confirm that sex has simply become an emotionless, meaningless act of satisfying a pure animalistic urge and is devoid of everything good God meant it to be.
Point TWO, sex is extremely awkward and painful (for the girl) the first time around. This comes from somewhat detailed accounts from my pastor in Boston and my Intervarsity staff leader telling their own stories on this topic. Before their talks I always thought the first time was going to be the standard for the rest of our marriage, and it'd BETTER be freakin' awesome. I thought sex was the overarching secret to marriage otherwise why wouldn't we just be friends? Good news is, sex is some good stuff and like wine it gets better with age and practice (or so I've been told). Don't be sad when your first time isn't as you pictured it to be, you didn't exactly look cool the first time you went ice skating either.
In the movies, they always show people who somehow get snapped into this hypnotic sex trance, condition/location are perfect and the two people basically lunge at each other in some fast paced love making. Let's zip back to real life. When you get married you'll have a full time job and probably a few kids/rugrats. At the end of the day, you're going to be dead tired with stress from work and cleaning up the kids. In other words, you're probably not going to be in the mood for sex. But what if your spouse wants to? This is where I was surprised, real life invades sex too! Both of you won't always want sex at the exact same time and sometimes you've got to satisfy your husband/wife even when you don't feel like it b/c you are honoring God by submitting to your husband/wife. Isn't that crazy?? Having sex to honor God? Yuparoo.
Since I go to Jesuit school there are these science publications written by Catholic scholars that are published and given out to the student body for free. This one article about the female orgasm caught my eye b/c it had a picture of the "Ectasy of St. Teresa" by Bernini which I didn't realize was really her having an orgasm since I had already studied this piece in history class. (Olden time people make some crazy statues!) The non-emotional side of love pervades sex too! I always thought of sex to be a sensuous act of passion but it requires the disciplined commitment part of love also. Although there is still much more to say about the subject and I'm not totally finished learning, I'll leave you with this great excerpt from the book,
"According to Keenan, fidelity in a sexual relationship deepens the bond between partners grow. However, it seems that if only one person is experiencing ecstasy, both parties are not completely open to one another, and the growth in the relationship is uneven. Pellauer describes the experience of increased vulnerability as a result of moments of ecstasy shared with her husband. For Pellauer, being excited to the point of orgasm by her significant other led her to loving him in ways she had not perceived before. The fact that he persisted in arousing her even though she was not easily stimulated, refusing his own release until she climaxed as well in mutual experience, touched her as an intimate act of selflessness. She was deeply moved as she did not expect him to put her own pleasure before his own. Pellauer writes, 'I experience [orgasm] as grace, an instance of his vulnerability to me reaching out to meet my vulnerability to him'."
--"Mutuality and Pleasure: A Discussion of the Female Orgasm in Contemporary Catholic Sexual Ethics"
by Celso Javier Perez,
Fall 2007 ELEMENTS Undergraduate Research Journal
Bottom line: Marriage and/or Sex is not the happily ever after. In each aspect we have to work hard to maintain a good balanced relationship but with every joy and every difficulty we experience the deepest sort of grace and mercy and, in this, we see a small glimpse of heaven. God is good.
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3 comments:
interesting post... i was expecting something different like "sex is bad!" or whatever revolutionary idea you have about it haha
it's difficult reading your content when you have pictures of food right next to it. i am craving for a peanut butter banana sandwich. =(
reminds me of a seinfeld episode in which george constanza tries to fulfill his sex and hunger cravings at the same time. anyways....
HAHA this would have been mad awkward to read with my parents right next to me xD lol
but i do agree with you on all of it, ive totally changed a lot of my views especially after college. the whole "Sex is bad" is really really bad brainwashing.. and churches keep doing it.. and i catch myself saying something along the lines of "oh i wouldnt do something bad like that till after marriage" when it all in all isnt a bad thing.. this is quite awkward to discuss when i know there are boys reading haha, i cant wait to talk to you more about these things in person.. if you would stop ignoring/avoiding me. gosh! :P
but iono.. i dont agree with the jaci velasquez comment. i still really like those songs. knowing that there isnt a "perfect" being that God created to satisfy everything we have.. cus thats just pure selfishness.. but i DO believe that the imperfect person is perfect in the picture.... hmm more details later :P
lets talk!! goodness. im leaving for school soon.. and you dont even wanna talk with meeee :[
whatre the chances youre gna come visit?? :P
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