I was rushing to class because I left my room a little later than I was supposed to. It was the normal run taking the short cut route and running to the parking garage elevators that take you up 7 floors instead of 4 like the elevator in the other building. Of course, there's about 30 other students waiting to cram into the single elevator that comes down so we wait in tense awkwardness, iPods stuck in our ears and eyes downcast. We quickly cram into the elevator like a ship in a bottle and the elevator doors slowly slide shut. But this wasn't like every other day when the elevators slide shut. On this particular day, like in the movies, the elevator doors slowly slide shut to reveal a black sharpie-d graffiti message neatly written in print. It said "He is imaginary". It is very abnormal to see graffiti on campus so everyone in that elevator stared at those words for a good 15 seconds before we all quickly filed out to our regularly scheduled lives. No philosophical bantering, no bible verses, no words of hate. Yet such simple words can truly shatter a person's world. In the moments you fill burned out, the times it seems like He is imaginary where your soul is dark. You start to think "Some fine fanciful fairytale I've convinced myself to believe"...
LISTEN. Wake up just before the sun rises. Put your running shoes and your track shorts on. Don't take your iPod. Walk outside, touch the dew licked grass, the muddy earth and take a breath of the sharp morning air. Run until your legs feel as though they're no longer part of your body and then sit down gulping your water to see the sun rise. Then say have the guts to say, "He is imaginary".
After going through the True Love Waits program, somehow I inadvertently developed many wayward ideals about marriage and sex. Remember when we used to sings songs like "I Promise" by Jaci Velasquez?
"So I promise to be true to you/To live my life in purity/As unto you/Waiting for the day/When I hear you say/Here is the one I have created/Just for you"
As if God would create the "perfect man" fitting our every idealistic physical and spiritual desire, and float him down on a marshmallow cloud. STUPID.
Talking about sex in TLW wasn't much better. Sex before marriage was to be impure, filthy, disgusting, sinful, and not pleasing to God (which it is) and sex after marriage with your spouse was awesome, beautiful, fulfilling and meaningful. But as a pre-teen who can't pay attention for more than two seconds, we only really heard the "sex before marriage part" and frankly, that was really the only point emphasized. The goodness of sex after marriage was just a footnote, a tack on. They wanted to make sure to drill the first part in our heads so we wouldn't become. another bad statistic. The image of sex in my mind had become one of an animalistic, sinful, shameful desire. In other words, sex was BAD BAD BAD.
BUT after many more encounters with this topic both in high school and college I've developed a much more comprehensive viewpoint.
S-E-X
Realistically, who would you feel completely comfortable being naked around? I don't know about you but there are VERY few people I would be okay naked in front of and only with some major awkwardness/embarrassment mixed in the bunch. Part of why divorce is so painful is because you've literally showed your spouse everything you have. You made yourself completely vulnerable to them and they rejected you. I can only imagine that it would be one SEARINGLY painful moment. With everyone else you can scream the "YOU DON'T KNOW ME" line but to your spouse? They KNOW you, they have touched you so intimately so when divorce comes it is not a rejection of your outer shell (the charade you play in front of everyone and can easily change in an instant). No, your very SELF is being rejected. But you risk it because true love is worth being completely vulnerable (or so I've deduced).
I read somewhere once that Jessica Alba said she didn't think extramartial sex was such a big deal and sex itself wasn't a big deal at all. For someone to truly believe in that statement is to confirm that sex has simply become an emotionless, meaningless act of satisfying a pure animalistic urge and is devoid of everything good God meant it to be.
Point TWO, sex is extremely awkward and painful (for the girl) the first time around. This comes from somewhat detailed accounts from my pastor in Boston and my Intervarsity staff leader telling their own stories on this topic. Before their talks I always thought the first time was going to be the standard for the rest of our marriage, and it'd BETTER be freakin' awesome. I thought sex was the overarching secret to marriage otherwise why wouldn't we just be friends? Good news is, sex is some good stuff and like wine it gets better with age and practice (or so I've been told). Don't be sad when your first time isn't as you pictured it to be, you didn't exactly look cool the first time you went ice skating either.
In the movies, they always show people who somehow get snapped into this hypnotic sex trance, condition/location are perfect and the two people basically lunge at each other in some fast paced love making. Let's zip back to real life. When you get married you'll have a full time job and probably a few kids/rugrats. At the end of the day, you're going to be dead tired with stress from work and cleaning up the kids. In other words, you're probably not going to be in the mood for sex. But what if your spouse wants to? This is where I was surprised, real life invades sex too! Both of you won't always want sex at the exact same time and sometimes you've got to satisfy your husband/wife even when you don't feel like it b/c you are honoring God by submitting to your husband/wife. Isn't that crazy?? Having sex to honor God? Yuparoo.
Since I go to Jesuit school there are these science publications written by Catholic scholars that are published and given out to the student body for free. This one article about the female orgasm caught my eye b/c it had a picture of the "Ectasy of St. Teresa" by Bernini which I didn't realize was really her having an orgasm since I had already studied this piece in history class. (Olden time people make some crazy statues!) The non-emotional side of love pervades sex too! I always thought of sex to be a sensuous act of passion but it requires the disciplined commitment part of love also. Although there is still much more to say about the subject and I'm not totally finished learning, I'll leave you with this great excerpt from the book,
"According to Keenan, fidelity in a sexual relationship deepens the bond between partners grow. However, it seems that if only one person is experiencing ecstasy, both parties are not completely open to one another, and the growth in the relationship is uneven. Pellauer describes the experience of increased vulnerability as a result of moments of ecstasy shared with her husband. For Pellauer, being excited to the point of orgasm by her significant other led her to loving him in ways she had not perceived before. The fact that he persisted in arousing her even though she was not easily stimulated, refusing his own release until she climaxed as well in mutual experience, touched her as an intimate act of selflessness. She was deeply moved as she did not expect him to put her own pleasure before his own. Pellauer writes, 'I experience [orgasm] as grace, an instance of his vulnerability to me reaching out to meet my vulnerability to him'."
--"Mutuality and Pleasure: A Discussion of the Female Orgasm in Contemporary Catholic Sexual Ethics"
by Celso Javier Perez,
Fall 2007 ELEMENTS Undergraduate Research Journal
Bottom line: Marriage and/or Sex is not the happily ever after. In each aspect we have to work hard to maintain a good balanced relationship but with every joy and every difficulty we experience the deepest sort of grace and mercy and, in this, we see a small glimpse of heaven. God is good.
Man, I really want to know what a cream puff from Beard Papa's tastes like. It looks SO good. During my stay in SF one of my friends taunted me with a freshly baked and filled vanilla cream puff knowing that I couldn't partake in the delicious joy because I gave it up for lent. Heck, even my professor was happily eating one (a chocolate one, nonetheless).
Anyway, this isn't a "real" post. I just wanted a picture of cream puffs on my blog.
BE SURE TO VOTE ON THE RIGHT SIDE FOR WHAT TOPIC I SHOULD WRITE ABOUT!
Commentary from CuteOverload.com...
"Check out this Washington State Lottery commercial that everyone's going apecrap over.
I watched it, and I'm all—um... do you think penguins sit around and wonder why they can't fly? In fact, I bet that chicken is all WTF? That is if a chicken brain could muster up a 'WTF' (some of my best friends are chickens so I can say that)."
It made me laugh...haha...apecrap...hahaha
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know most people gauge your sense of humor by how much you laugh at his/her jokes?
So when a guy says, "I want my ideal girl to have a sense of humor"
He really means, "I want her to laugh at my jokes...alot"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I read two books in the past 4 days
-Gathering Blue by Lois Lowery
-Thousand Splendid Suns
With that I'm reminded of the general categories I have in my mind for books
1. Books that are as boring to read as watching paint dry AND completely unmemorable
1.5 Books that are SO boring you can't even finish it.
2. Books that are page turners, the kind you don't want to leave when you go to the bathroom so...you just bring it to the bathroom, but inevitably unmemorable.
3. Books that don't seem that great and slightly boring at first but when you're writing that really contemplative post or an effort driven essay for class you finally appreciate the depth of what the author is trying to say and how truly timeless those words are.
Some of the books I think belong in category 3:
-The Giver by Lois Lowery
-Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince) by Saint Antoine de Exupery
-Bible (I'm not saying this to look righteous, sometimes the bible is BORING like in sunday school when you just are waiting for the last page of the packet or when reading through the genealogy verses but when you're writing a hardcore philosophy/theology paper it's just like... IN YOUR FACE SOCRATES!! HA)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to listen to some oldies from my younger years and "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" came to mind
Uber good stuff. I couldn't quite put my finger on where I remember Lauryn Hill's face from so I wikipedia-ed it (she was one of the leading actors in Sister Act II but that's not the point). This excerpt caught my eye...
"Vatican statements
On December 13, 2003, Hill shocked officials at a Christmas benefit concert at the Vatican by denouncing "corruption, exploitation, and abuses", in reference to the molestation of boys by Catholic priests in the United States and the cover-up of offenses by Catholic Church officials. Hill told the crowd of 7,000:
|
Hill called on the church leaders to "repent" and encouraged the crowd to "not seek blessings from man but from God."
There was silence for several minutes from the audience as many could not speak English. There were cries of "Enough" and "Shame" from those who understood while others whistled and clapped before she picked up her guitar and performed two songs, entitled "Damnable Heresies" and "Social Drugs", both about social pressure. After her performance her comments were translated for Cardinal Camillo Ruini, head of the Italian Bishops Conference, who was sitting in the front row, and he walked out in protest. Among those in attendance were Edmund Cardinal Szoka, American-born President of the Pontifical Commission for Vatican City, and President of the Governorate of Vatican City. The segment was cut from the television broadcast by the Church, and a full transcript of Hill's statement has yet to be released.
The global response Hill received was varied. Monsignor Rino Fisichella, one of the organizers of the traditional concert, said: "It was in poor taste and very bad mannered. It showed a complete lack of respect for her invitation and for the place where she had been invited to perform", while the Catholic League responded by calling Hill "pathologically miserable".[18]
While returning to New York, Hill's only response to the press about the controversy was: "What I said was the truth. Is telling the truth bad manners? What I asked was the church to repent for what has happened.""
Not only is she a great singer and musician...She has a BRAIN. That statement was bold, unapologetic, readily deserved, and truthful. It's hard to find people who are willing to stand firm in the truth nowadays. What saddens me more is that by those high Vatican officials walking out, it affirmed every last word she spoke. Who really are these "men of God"? They're hypocrites of the very faith they professed to give their lives for.-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was listening to Star 99.1 a few nights ago and realized how turned off a non-Christian would be if they heard some of what is said in their nightly broadcasts. It was alot of "We, as Christians" are at war against "They, the worldly" as if it would be no different if I said "We superior ones" are at war against "They the inferior", "We the clean", "They the filthy". Now I understand the bible says we should be set apart for God but doesn't "set apart" refer to the sin people who don't know Christ commit? Isn't it true the statements they make should be "we, sinners" both Christian and Non-christian alike? Should we not be set apart from the sins they commit but wholly love the person? Isn't that what Christ calls us to do? Am I wrong? Confused?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S. noote.blogspot.com is just my creative outlet for imitating sites like notcot.org, designspongeonline.com, apartment therapy, moma store, etc...except filled with stuff I like. Feel free to check it out but the birthday wishlist isn't real so don't make it real ifyouknowwhatimean.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was going to write a post on love but love is too big a topic so you can vote for which love post comes next...
(a) Christian love in a Godless society
(b) Dating, Courtship
(c) Marriage, Sex
(d) Top 3 pro/con characteristics for an ideal guy
YES! I AM FREE FROM THE CHAINS OF FINALS WEEK!
Ah, it feels so liberating. I would do a touchdown dance but I'm genetically disadvantaged to dance in any way that would be vaguely admirable, I'm Asian. Plus, I need to scrub and pack my microwave.
For the entire day today I've been studying like crazy for a final and God always manages to lighten my day with funny things...
So this morning I was studying like a mad woman in the dining hall. At my school we have a special program that employs mentally handicapped people in the dining hall to do cleaning work and food prep work, they have support services and special supervisors, It's a really great program to integrate them into normal society if you know anyone who might be looking for something like this. I digress, so there is always this one woman who cleans the tables and puts the chairs back into place. She's really small and super cheery all the time. When she says hi to you it's like looking into the sun. It's so bright and cheery you're like whoa. She loves to talk to people and say hi to everyone. She loves to talk so much that sometimes she'll just say what she is thinking at the moment right after she thinks of it even when she isn't directing her thoughts to anyone in particular. I was doing some intense studying while eating breakfast and she was on her break sitting at a table alone apparently reading a magazine about puppies. This is how it goes...
me: ((hard at work studying)) finance, finance, math, math, memorize, concept, formula, bing, bang, bonnggg
her: OOOOOOOH I LOVE PUPPIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! (mind you, our dining hall is large and open and echoes alot)
everyone: ((looks up and looks at her))
her: ((nose still in the magazine)) OHHH AND YOU HAVE TO FEED THEM AND COMB THEIR FUR AND...OHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE PUPPIESS!!! ((co-worker passes by)) HEY ____!!! HAVE YOU SEEN THIS!?! PUPPPIESSSS! OH THEY ARE SO CUTE!!!!
(reads an excerpt) "Pup-piess, should be walked daaaillyy" "OOOOOH I LOVEEE WALKING!!"
everyone: ((smiling and goes back to work))
haha I don't even know why that's funny but I guess being so serious and being interrupted like that is really pleasant.
Today was really windy which made it cold even though it was nice out. I was walking over to take my final through the non-main walking route and I see this girl who is crouched down on the ground behind Devlin against a patch that's supposed to be filled with flowers but was only filled with doodie smelling fertilizer so far. I think to myself, what in the world is she doing?? Then she stands up and turns around with an unlit cigarette in her mouth and a lighter in her hand trying furiously to light the darn cigarette. And then I said, um I think God doesn't want you to smoke today and then she beat me up bad...is what would've probably happened if said something like that to her. haha But it's just great when you're at a NYC bus stop and people are trying to light their cigarettes but they can't b/c of the wind. Mm good stuff.
Oh and you know how google ads "search" the website content and put appropriate ads on the side? Both of them are about eating disorders and binge eating. Whatsupwiththat? I like food but you don't have to hate.
More to come later.
I've got to admit, I kind of long to go back to the old xanga. I can't see who's stalking me on this one. No fun. Comment so I'll feel popular please.
I'm getting pretty rusty with my writing skills. Everything I write is long-winding and overly verbose like my literary mortal friend and enemy: Charles Dickens. Everytime I write on this thing to give some small update or token of advice I always end up praying and never finishing my posts. So I'm determined to write a full one and then I can pray.
I go to a great deal of events and organize many of them with top level executives from prestigious firms talking about life and the financial world but every single person's underlying message is: Do what you love to do because you're going to have to do this for the rest of your life. How true that is. But my superb skills in soundless sleeping and eating really won't put rice on the table. Taking risks is hard. Frankly, because you have something to lose and I don't like to lose.
Living with a childlike mindset...
I remember I would do cartwheels and somersaults without thinking twice but now if you were to ask me to do a cartwheel I would think about the possibility of a spinal cord injury and all the homework and events I had to do that I couldn't afford to have a spine injury. There are so many strong statements in the Bible, "He is with us", "God our Provider", "He saves", he takes up our yoke, he comforts and protects us but we don't have that childlike confidence anymore. So what if you look like an idiot if you answer a question wrong in class? At least you asked. The little criticizing self demeaning voice in your head blows the severity and embarrassment of these occurrences far out of proportion. In reality, no one really cares and if they do they always forget eventually. Be confident in what you do. Know that the Lord provides when you walk with him.
If there's anything I learned this year it's doing what you love. It really comes out in the quality of your work. Many people say I'm over-involved. And I can't disagree. To give you an idea, I can't finish naming and explaining all the clubs and extracurricular activities I'm involved with in under 20 minutes. These things are kind of like tasting food. Are you just shoveling food in your mouth or are you savoring every bite? The savoring is what you remember.
Stop trying to feign being busy to look important (as if you're going somewhere in life). Make friends and make them feel loved. This takes work that won't be seen on your resume. But it's a quality of life decision because at the end of the day you're not having a burger with your resume.
Love one another. Jesus asked for something so very hard. To wake up everyday and think of others before yourself-- it's hard work. Words like sacrifice, love, compassion come into play. Sometimes you just want a break, "Hey God, none of this love stuff for today I'm tired and I'm not in the mood for it". But God says we should derive our strength from him. Always set aside time in the day to speak to God, an item I should really follow. Some people call it "quiet time" or "devotional time" but I've never like the connotations that comes with those words, early morning, devout, religious, legalism, showoff Christian. Many times, it's just a time to be restored by God.
